


eine liebe

by transreiner



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dysphoria, Fluff, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Trans Male Character, bertholdt is a very good boyfriend, reiner is trans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:21:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27364954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transreiner/pseuds/transreiner
Summary: Reiner tries to deal with his thoughts after being misgendered.
Relationships: Reibert, Reiner Braun & Bertolt Hoover, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 2
Kudos: 57





	eine liebe

**Author's Note:**

> more trans reiner content:)

It was always an overwhelming feeling. 

It didn’t happen often, sure, but when it did, it _happened_ , and the feeling always came back. Nausea. Anxiety. The feeling that someone had grabbed his heart and a handful of his guts and started to squeeze as hard as they possibly could and oh god he thinks he might start crying right here in front of everyone-

He could never understand why it happened. He always made sure his binder was adjusted correctly, made sure he was waking correctly (straight, lead with your shoulders, pretend there’s something... down there!), kept the hand-talking to a minimum, hell, he had been on testosterone for around 9 months now, what could he be doing wrong? He was doing everything he could think of that would scream “masculine” and “confident” and “I swear I’m a real man please believe me I’m trying so hard!”

Reiner could not, for the life of him, understand why that barista had called him “ma’am” when he stopped for coffee on the way home from work.

He was blessed with being naturally tall, nearly reaching 6’1”, and for that, he was grateful. He also made sure to stay in shape, as he wanted to look as bulky and “masculine” as possible. Sure, he’ll admit he might have a touch of toxic masculinity, but he always came to the conclusion that he couldn’t exactly help it. He was sick of being wrong. Feeling wrong, sounding wrong, moving wrong.

Existing wrong. 

He pondered this on the walk home. 

Ever since he could remember, he wanted to be big, tough, handsome, everything that is commonly associated with being “male”. Reiner understood these things aren’t what makes someone male, of course, but he always found himself obsessing over these things. He wanted to wrap himself in the concept of being “male” and “masculine” and drown in it. He envied his peers that were oh so lucky to be born correctly, who didn’t have to put any effort in to make sure they were perceived as male. 

He was even jealous of Bertholdt when they had first met. 

He was instantly infatuated with his handsome face, tall lanky features, the rumble of his voice... Everything about him was so... male. Masculine. Everything he wanted to be. 

Eventually they had grown closer. Very close. Close enough to be kissing in the back of Reiner’s car in the middle of the night in the Braun family driveway. Closer than Reiner could have ever expected. The jealousy quickly dissipated, so he thought, and many years later, they were living together in their own shared home. 

He still had moments where he had to shove his feelings back deep down within himself. Moments where he had to pretend he didn’t envy the way Bertholdt could effortlessly exist as male with no issues. The way he was perceived as male without a second thought, the way his voice was so beautifully and naturally deep, the way he could go shirtless whenever he wanted.

The way he could go to a cafe without being misgendered by the barista. 

He tried to focus on the crunching of snow beneath his boots. 

Maybe it was just a slip of the tongue, like when people call their favorite teacher “mom” and all of their friends laugh at them for the rest of the day. Reiner has had his fair share of those kinds of moments. One that instantly came to mind was the day he had mistakenly referred to Jean as Eren, and all hell broke loose. 

He smiled at the memory. 

As he neared his home, he thought about Bertholdt again. He was always so kind, reassuring him that he was in fact a “real man” and he had nothing to worry about. Reiner never had to suppress any emotions, walk a certain way, talk a certain way, or anything like that. He could fully be himself, and his taller companion always perceived him as the man he truly was. 

Loved him for the man he truly was. 

Reiner stepped up onto the doorstep and began fumbling with his keys. 

“Maybe it’ll be okay,” he thought.

“It was just a slip of the tongue. She just misspoke.”

“I’m perfectly fine the way I am.”

As he finished that last thought, the door swung open, before he could even get his key in the lock. 

Bertholdt grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Welcome home,” he said happily into the shorter man’s hair, voice muffled. “I missed you so much.”

Reiner hugged him back just as tight, smiling. “I missed you so much, too.”

-

After sharing stories about their day, showering, and having their dinner, the two men finally found themselves curled up in bed. Bertholdt hugged Reiner from behind, a firm arm around his torso, while his free hand played with his hair. 

Reiner was nearly asleep when Bertholdt’s voice snapped him back awake. 

“You know,” he mumbled sleepily. “When you came home, you were making that little face again.”

Reiner smiled. “What face?”

He heard a sleepy chuckle from behind him. “Your thinking face. Your eyebrows get all scrunched up and you bite your lip. It’s kinda cute, really.”

The blonde man rolled over to face his partner. 

“You’re pretty observant, huh?” 

Bertholdt pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You know it.”

A few moments of silence passed, the two men entangled in each other’s limbs, pressing sleepy kisses to each other’s faces. 

“Reiner,” Bertholdt finally said. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but whatever happened that got you thinking earlier... I think it’ll be okay.”

Bertholdt moved his hand to the smaller man’s cheek and met his gaze. 

“You don’t have to worry about anything. Everything will be okay.”

Reiner looked at him for a moment, before pressing a kiss to his hand. 

“Thank you,” he said. “You don’t know how much you mean to me.”

Bertholdt pulled him into a tight hug and kissed the top of his head. 

“The same goes for you. I love you with every bit of my heart.”

The last thing Reiner could recall before he fell asleep was Bertholdt continuing to press kisses onto his face and head, mumbling words of affirmation and little promises of love. 

Everything will be okay.


End file.
